It’s 1:06am. I went to bed at 11 something. For some reason I can’t sleep. I’d really like to, but it’s not happening.

What’s on my mind?

A little work - i had a great idea sittin’ in bed but now i can’t remember. Wait…something about creating custom/standard postcards for our RLV Network subscribers to use…placing RLV on one side and their info on the other. Could be cool. What about ringtones? More podcasts. More, more, more….sleep?

A little praying–to get pregnant, my wife, a new guitar, a better voice, for my parents, my sister’s healing, wisdom, grace, understanding, increase in spiritual gifts (especially the prophetic), more discipline, a couple guys in my cell..

Actually, I know what’s on my mind…kids. As time passes and Kristy and I haven’t gotten pregnant, my sensitivity to the issue is increasing. I’m also becoming more aware of people’s ignorance and insensitivity to what people (we) might be going through. On one hand you have someone trying to convince you that after 6 years you should be having kids…if they only knew and if I only thought that they cared enough to know the full story. Then on the other, you have people who immediately get it…they understand what “trying” means. Unfotunately, most people, admittidly myself as well before now, assume that this process is quick and simple. That complications and delays are NOT the norm. However, that just isn’t the case.

Ironically, we never wanted to be a couple who declared that we are “trying.” Now, it seems that all we have is prayer and yet another “try.”

Over the past year there have been 2-3 people who have prophetically spoken over us that we’ll be pregnant by the end of the year. Now, this brings up several emotions: the first is excitment…it’s actually going to happen, right!?! The second, honestly, fear. What if it doesn’t. what does that mean? How do we take it? The reality is, I don’t know. (insert cliches here)

I was driving home today thinking about the number of people we have in our lives who are pregnant or already have kids. I began to pray and think about my hearts desire. Surely God wants to give us kids. It’s even Biblical. And He even states that He wants to give us the desires of our heart. Guess what God. I desire my own! My legalistic, self-centered, works mentality which often drives me begins to drift–heck drop into overdrive–into thinking that I must do something to help this. Funny thing is, we are already doing what we should be doing. That’snot hard to figure out. But then i think of fasting or praying more, or…? But all of these rely on me. So I guess I’m out of options.

God. Sometimes I get frustrated and upset when I see my wife curl up in my arms with tears in her eyes because of her anguish over all of this. I realize that this is our trial and that you’re building a testimony for some reason, but I plead…even beg, that you will give us the desire of our heart. One child. It’s all we ask.