I’ve always heard people say that having kids will teach you patience and humility, but I don’t recall being warned about random bouts of screaming, whining, food-rejection, excessive crying when you don’t get your way and triple-threat diapers (where your kid craps their pants more than the expected one-to-two times a day). When you add it all up, it can leave you feeling like you’ve lost your mind and are completely out of control. It’s here that you have irrational thoughts like…

“I can’t parent. I can’t even get my daughter to eat a piece of chicken.”

“I don’t know how to stop that.” (staring at my two-month old son screaming so hard that his face is beet red and his cry has turned into a rhymthymic chant.)

It would be really easy to play victim here, but I think I have a bigger lesson to learn than my kids do.

Control.

In the moments when everything feels completely out of control (like tonight), it’s then that I realize how much I’ve created an environment and dependence upon control. When it’s not there, I confess that I can get really agitated. The problem with my control-dependence is that it creates a false sense of security and the real me stays hidden because it’s rarely challenged.

While I didn’t do anything I regret tonight, I can’t say that about my attitude. When I have a 20-month old that is watching and mimicking my every move, the last thing I need to model is a bad attitude because I didn’t get my way. Come to think of it, that is exactly the reason why I disciplined her tonight.

Consider this a spiritual smack on the ass—ouch.